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I have been filling out a lot of those stupid “Top 5″ things on Facebook lately, as I spend a lot of time late at night with a baby on my lap in front of the computer. It got me to trying to think of an all time top five – things that are the absolute, undeniable best things for their given category. The Wife and I play these sorts of hypothetical games a lot, and here is what we came up with.
The rules:
To qualify, each selection must be the number one possibility in its category, and number two can’t even be close. No one with a brain could possibly make a reasonable case for something else to compete for the top spot. This eliminates a lot of stuff – for example, The Wife and I agree that Annie Proulx writes the best short stories, but I wouldn’t throw rocks at someone who made a case for Jhumpa Lahiri. These things are the unqualified and unarguable greatest ever. Not agreeing is akin to still having a “W” sticker on your car – it tells me everything I need to know about you. [If you disagree with any of these choices, best not to let me know. I'll fight you. Dirty. With broken bottles.]
1. Cuisine – Mexican food
This one was easy, to the point where it seems redundant to even mention it. Chips and salsa by themselves defeat every other type of cuisine. Guacamole, carne asada, taquitos, enchiladas, street tacos, menudo, posole, burritos, fajitas… it’s all here. Wash it all down with a couple of Pacificos or a margarita. I’m partial to Cali-Mex, but every regional variation is great. From Rick Bayless to your abuelita to Del Taco to Little League snack bar nachos, Mexican reigns supreme.
2. Morning Beverage – Coffee
Nothing without caffeine is even worth mentioning, so you can keep your fresh squeezed OJ. A good hot cup of regular American coffee is the only way to go. Ideally, the coffee should be freshly ground, and if you’re feeling jazzy you could even make it in a french press. In a pinch though, AM/PM coffee will do the trick. Cream and/or sugar is acceptable (if you’re a wuss), but for heaven’s sake leave out those abominable flavored creamers, or worse, flavored beans. Don’t be bringing your Starbucks crap in here either – lattes are fine and all but they are no comparison, and Starbucks can’t brew a decent cup of regular coffee any more than I can fart the national anthem. Energy drinks are for low-pants wearing no ‘counts who hang out in front of the Palm Market.
The smell of coffee is almost enough by itself. When you mix in the fact that it is the perfect complement to any and all breakfast foods, as well as a perfectly acceptable stand-alone experience, it is clearly the only possible choice.
3. Music – The Rolling Stones
If you know me at all, you saw this one coming. It’s all about the Stones. The greatest rock band of all time. The Beatles are great and all, but John and Paul can’t hold Mick and Keef’s jocks. They peaked between 1968-1972, and the albums they recorded in this period are the finest examples of straight up rock ‘n’ roll, blues rock, and country rock ever produced.
4. TV Show – The Office (UK)
We had to discuss this one for a bit, but before long the answer was obvious. If you haven’t seen this yet, do yourself a favor and check it out, especially if you’re a fan of the American version. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll cheer, you’ll be glad you don’t live in Slough. Funny and poignant, too good to miss. If you rent the series, be absolutely sure to get the Christmas special that ends the series.
5. Comic Book Series – Sandman
Alan Moore is overrated. There, I said it. Neil Gaiman’s Sandman is hands down the best ongoing comic series ever written. Seventy-some-odd issues of genius.
With its goth stylings, brooding main character, and Shakespearian aspirations, it ought to be insufferable and pretentious. It isn’t. It is simply a great read from beginning to end, and unlike anything else in any medium.
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You need Anasazi beans.
Like pinto beans, only better. Use them the same way. If you have ever trusted me on anything, trust me on this.
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